Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for strengthening a relationship, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.
There are situations where couples therapy might not be the most productive course of action.
Here are some signs that you might be better off waiting on, or altogether skipping, couples counseling.
Unwillingness to Participate
Therapy requires a commitment from both partners.
If one person is hesitant or downright opposed to the idea, the therapist’s job becomes much harder though there’s still hope. However, open communication and a mutual desire to work on your relationship are crucial for progress.
Even if you both attend sessions, the last thing you want is to waste your time and money on couples therapy if one of you is just going through the motions.
If your partner is not willing to do couples therapy or show up with genuine interest in doing the work, individual relationship therapy can still help.
Relationship Abuse
If there’s “characterological violence” in your relationship, couples therapy is not recommended. This type of abuse involves an ongoing pattern of physical abuse with a clear perpetrator and a clear victim. Within heterosexual relationships, the victim is usually (but not always) the female partners. (Source: Gottman Institute)
Couples therapy with a relationship involving characterological violence can be dangerous and heighten negative emotions thereby INCREASING patterns of conflict and physical abuse.
As your therapist my role is to mediate conflict and facilitate healthy communication, but stopping abuse is an entirely different matter and often requires legal support.
If you find yourself in this situation, please seek individual support immediately. Safety planning must be your first priority!
The National Domestic Violence Hotline can immediately guide you through this process.
On the other hand, if your relationship has infrequent incidents of “situational violence,” the more common form of relationship violence in which BOTH partners tend to engage in mild forms of violence during conflict (e.g., slapping, shoving, throwing objects), couples therapy MAY be appropriate. It depends on your exact circumstances.
In this case, a thorough assessment of your relationship will be needed before I can make this determination.
Severe Untreated Trauma
If one or both partners are struggling with severe untreated trauma, individual therapy may be a better starting point or it may need to happen in tandem with couples therapy.
This is especially true if the trauma was repeated and chronic such as:
- Ongoing physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse in childhood
- Ongoing abuse which occurred in a prior marriage or romantic relationship
- Prolonged exposure to combat or living in a war zone
Here are some symptoms that indicate you or your partner may be struggling with untreated trauma:
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Re-experiencing traumatic events in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, intense physical or emotional reactions to reminders of the trauma
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Avoidance behaviors like avoiding thoughts, feelings, places, people, or activities associated with the trauma
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Negative moods including constant negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world, feeling fear, anger, guilt, shame, or distrust of others, and social isolation
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Reactive behaviors like being easily startled, hypervigilant (always on guard), difficulty concentrating, irritability, and difficulty sleeping
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Physical signs like headaches, digestive issues, fatigue, racing heart, sweating, jumpiness.
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Dissociation states like feeling detached from oneself (depersonalization) or detached from reality (derealization), and having memory gaps
Untreated trauma can have a huge impact on communication and one’s ability to emotionally regulate themselves, making couples therapy less effective or not helpful at all.
It’s important to note that the presence of past trauma in and of itself isn’t a reason to delay couples therapy. Each case is unique.
For some, couples therapy can be helpful even if individual therapy hasn’t yet happened. It’s important to be open during the beginning assessment phase of couples therapy about your past trauma and any active symptoms you may be having.
Active Addiction
It is not as clear cut whether or not couples therapy can happen when there’s an active addiction in one or both partners.
On one hand, addiction can cloud judgment and make it difficult to focus on improving your relationship behaviors. It can also create frequent crisis situations that make it difficult to stay regular with sessions.
On the other hand, however, couples therapy can be helpful in relieving some of the relationship tension that’s contributing to using substances in the first place. And it can highlight ways a couple can work together to treat addiction issues and minimize further relationship damage.
Overall, if one or both partners are struggling with addictions, I recommend individual treatment support IN ADDITION TO couples therapy.
This may include individual therapy with an alcohol and drug counselor, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA), or intensive outpatient programs that meet several days per week.
If you or your partner are in need of more intense addiction treatment, such as an inpatient residential program where you live at the facility for several weeks, or a hospitalization detox program, I recommend you complete these BEFORE beginning couples therapy.
Secret-Keeping
Couples therapy thrives on honesty and open communication. If a major secret (like an ongoing affair) is being kept, it can undermine the entire process.
Consider if you’re ready to come clean and be transparent so that couples therapy can help rebuild trust. You can even use couples therapy sessions to help reveal secrets that need to come to light.
If you’re not ready for full honesty with your partner, individual therapy may be a better place to start.
Fixed Decision to Leave
If one partner has already made a firm decision to end the relationship, couples therapy is unlikely to change their mind.
In some cases, therapy can help facilitate a respectful separation or co-parenting plan, but it’s not designed to salvage a relationship that’s already over due to one partner’s predetermined decision.
Next Steps
A licensed and trained couples therapist like myself can help you determine if couples therapy is right for your situation.
If you’re unsure, schedule a free phone consultation with me to discuss your needs.
