As a couples therapist, I see a huge uptick in requests for couples therapy around big political events, especially around elections.
We’re all used to the idea that political conversations can erupt into big fights with family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors but many people are surprised when they can’t talk to their own spouse/partner about politics.
Political polarization has moved from the public sphere into our homes. For many, it feels like a personal betrayal when your partner’s political views don’t align with your own.
Here are five tips to navigate the current political waters together.
1) Remember – You’re in the Same Boat!
As a couple, there are no sole winners when you fight. You either win together or lose together.
Why aim to “win” an argument when your relationship will end up paying the price. Is that really worth it?
If you get nothing else from this article this is the one tip to remember!
2) Adjust Your Sails, As Needed
Take a second to reframe the conflict. This is not a “winner takes all” race to shore but rather an opportunity to understand what’s driving your partner.
The issue you’re arguing about is rarely about a specific policy, candidate, or influencer.
The real issue is often about underlying values, fears, and identities.
When a political disagreement feels like a huge storm just descended onto to your relationship, it’s because it’s triggering something deeper for you. Ask yourself:
- What does this belief mean to you on a fundamental level?
- What fears or hopes does this political issue tap into for you?
- What feelings come up when your partner expresses their beliefs? Do you feel disrespected, unsafe, misunderstood, or alone?
3) Secure the Helm
Before you set out any further into unknown waters, agree on a few clear ground rules to keep your ship from getting lost in a storm.
This is your most intimate relationship and not a debate with strangers online. What you say and how you say it matters!
It’s essential to create a safe space for these conversations, or to decide when to avoid them altogether.
Work together to agree on boundaries like:
- Designated discussion times: Agree to only discuss politics for a specific, limited time, and not during meals or right before bed.
- Off-limits topics: Decide if there are certain subjects that are too emotionally charged and should be avoided for the health of your relationship.
- Create a “safe word,” “safe phrase,” or signal: Have a way for either of you to call a time-out if the conversation becomes too heated or disrespectful. Yelling something random like “time for lemonade!” can not only break up an escalating argument but also lighten the mood.
4) Find Your Bearings
Once you get into the meat of your discussions, lead with curiosity and empathy. Seek to validate your partner’s viewpoint to keep your compass pointing toward a shared destination.
Instead of trying to “win” an argument, aim for understanding. This bears repeating:
Instead of trying to “win” an argument, aim for understanding!
Try active listening, where each person takes turns speaking and genuinely listening without planning their rebuttal.
The partner who is listening would then reflect back what they heard to ensure they understood, using phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…”
And then there’s empathy and validation which are NOT the same as agreement. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s view to understand where it comes from.
Your partner has different life experiences, family history, and personal values that have shaped their political beliefs over a lifetime. You may know them deeply but you have not walked in their shoes.
Respect your partner’s complex history and seek to understand how they arrived at their views.
5) Anchor in Safe Harbors Only
When the seas of your debates get rough, focus on the shared values and activities that keep your relationship anchored and stable.
While political differences can feel overwhelming for some couples, they don’t need to dominate your relationship.
Make an intentional effort to reconnect over shared values and activities that have nothing to do with politics. Surely you have many of these if you’ve been together long enough!
This could include:
- Identifying common ground: Even if you disagree on a specific policy, you might still share values like family, education, fairness, compassion, or a desire for a better future for the next generation.
- Shared interests: Make time for activities that brought you together in the first place, like hiking, concerts, traveling, or just watching TV together. Rebuilding connection outside of the political arena can remind you both of the love and respect that still exists.
Navigating the choppy political seas requires a steadfast commitment to keeping your relationship’s ship on course, no matter how the winds of partisanship blow.
It’s about recognizing that you are a team, even when you disagree, and that a healthy, respectful relationship is an important shared goal in and of itself.
