The Pitfalls of False Starts in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for strengthening relationships and resolving conflicts. However, it’s not a magic bullet!

Many couples experience what are known as “false starts.”  These are periods of initial enthusiasm followed by a decline in session attendance or engagement.

Think of it as the annual “January gym effect” but for couples therapy.  You know, that initial enthusiasm about getting in shape for the new year followed by a period of less and less attendance until you stop going altogether.

Photo by William Choquette

This is super common in couples therapy so please don’t beat yourself up if this happens to you!

But do understand the real costs of false starts in couples therapy.  They will hinder your progress and may lead to your initial therapy work having little to no value for your relationship.

Why do false starts occur?

Several factors can contribute to false starts in couples therapy:

• Overwhelming emotions: Dealing with deep-seated issues can be emotionally taxing. Couples may feel overwhelmed and discouraged, leading them to avoid therapy sessions.
• Lack of commitment: One or both partners may not be fully committed to the therapy process. This can manifest as inconsistent attendance or a lack of effort during sessions.
• Unrealistic expectations: Couples may have unrealistic expectations about the speed or ease of therapy. If they don’t see immediate results, they may become disillusioned and lose motivation.
• External stressors: Life events, such as job changes or family crises, can make it difficult for couples to prioritize therapy.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

The importance of regular attendance

Consistent attendance is crucial getting the most out of your couples therapy. Here’s why:

• Demonstrates commitment: Attending therapy sessions regularly demonstrates a commitment to the relationship and the therapy process. Bonus points if you’re the partner that makes the effort to find a therapist and set up the first appointment!
• Builds momentum: Regular sessions help to build momentum and keep each session feeling like it builds on your previous sessions.

Photo by Peter Olexa

• Reinforces positive changes: Consistent attendance allows couples to reinforce positive changes and address setbacks as they arise from week to week.
• Provides accountability: Regular sessions can provide accountability and help you stay on track with your goals. Even more so, regular attendance can keep you accountable for doing homework assignments in between sessions.

Tips for avoiding false starts

If you and your partner want to avoid false starts in therapy or get back on track after already experiencing one, here are some tips:

• Know that you’re not alone: I’ve had couples have a false start after 1-3 sessions and then return a year or two later to tackle the same original issues.
• Set realistic expectations: Understand that therapy is a process that takes time. Avoid putting too much pressure on yourselves to see immediate results.
• Bounce back: Avoid the perfectionism trap of stopping therapy altogether if you’ve already had a false start. Just get back to it and try your best to stay consistent with a fresh start.
• Communicate openly with your therapist: Be honest with me about any challenges or concerns you are facing with staying consistent.  Whether it’s about scheduling, cost, needing babysitters, or anything else, I may be able to offer suggestions on how to stay consistent despite these challenges.

Photo by Greta Hoffman

• Prioritize therapy: Make therapy a priority in your schedule. Treat it as any other important health appointment that you wouldn’t miss unless an emergency arises.

By overcoming false starts or bouncing back after one, you’ll increase your chances of achieving the stronger, healthier relationship you deserve and feel proud of yourself for putting in the reps to get there!