The Silver Lining: Overcoming Relationship Challenges in Retirement

You’ve made it to your golden years and just retired from work!

You’ve worked your butt off for decades, contributed your talents to your community, raised kids, planned and saved. You’ve tended to your marriage and made it through years, even decades of joys and struggles.

Now, you’re ready to relax, travel, visit the kids and grandkids, delve into hobbies, and enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

There’s just one major problem…

Within weeks of retiring you realize this new stage is putting a huge strain on your marriage. New problems arise and old problems get retriggered and begin to intensify.

Despite all of your careful retirement planning, your changing relationship needs weren’t taken into account. Now what?

Though its seldom discussed or acknowledge, for many couples retirement brings unexpected relationship challenges.

This article explores this stage of adulthood, common relationship pitfalls that accompany retirement (including those that are internal to a couple’s relationship versus those that are external), and how couples therapy can help.

But first, a word about what’s happening for you as an INDIVIDUAL at this stage of life…

Human Development in Retirement

According to psychologist Erik Erikson, personality develops throughout life in 8 main stages with the final stage being “late adulthood” at age 65+.

He called this stage “integrity vs despair” with the main psychological task being to reflect on one’s life and come to terms with one’s accomplishments and failures.

Ideally, you’ll get to this stage and look back on your life with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, leading to a sense of peace and fulfillment.

However, this reflection brings up lots of regret about your past or the feeling that you’ve wasted your life, you may experience despair and bitterness.

So what’s the connection between this and your marriage or long-term partnership?

When you get to the retirement phase how you feel about yourself and your life thus far will absolutely impact how you show up with your partner.

A sense of despair and regret during this phase may creep into conflicts and lead to relationship distance although you both may not be aware of the source of this negative energy. It can also make it harder to be mentally present in the moment or look forward, as you may find yourself stuck in the past.

While a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction with one’s life thus far can make it easier to devote new energy to your relationship and look towards your future together!

Common Challenges Internal to Relationships

There are problems that you’ll likely see WITHIN your relationship during the retirement stage, and other problems that you’ll see EXTERNAL to your relationship – those issues that aren’t about your or your spouse but still have a large impact on your marriage.

Common internal problems include:

• Loss of personal identity
• Conflict from increased time together
• Loss of sex and physical intimacy
• Stagnation from daily routine and lack of stimulation
• Disconnection from lack of shared activities

Loss of personal identity

One or both of you may feel a loss of your own identity because retirement can lead to a loss of purpose, especially for if you strongly identified with your careers during your working years.

For example, I’ve seen military service members, doctors, and attorneys experience this shift because so much of their lives and energy went into building up these careers and in many cases, the whole family had to be supportive and flexible to make such careers possible.

This personal feeling of losing one’s identity can have a negative impact on your relationship if the marriage is blamed as a scapegoat for such feelings or if it leads to more negative moods.

Conflict from increased time together

Relationship problems can also arise from increased time spent together. In healthy relationships more time together is generally a good thing but too much of a good thing can ultimately be bad. Having time apart is necessary as well.

Spending 24/7 together can lead to irritability, feeling smothered, and a loss of personal space.

Furthermore, issues that were previously manageable over the course of your relationship may now surface more frequently or feel more intense.

Any problems that were left unresolved before cannot be ignored at this stage for many couples.

Loss of sex and physical intimacy

Another common internal relationship issue during retirement is loss of sex and physical intimacy.

At this stage of life, health problems like bone/joint issues, erectile dysfunction, hormonal changes associated with menopause, and chronic disease can easily impact your sex life.

With the decrease of sex and other forms of physical connection, you may feel disconnection from one another and feel grief over a part of your relationship that was once enjoyable.

Stagnation from daily routine and lack of stimulation

The reality of retirement can also mean that you and your partner fall into the rut of a monotonous daily routine, leading to boredom and stagnation.

Lack of novelty or fun activities can make your relationship feel stale compared to the vibe you had before retirement.

Disconnection from lack of shared activities

Finding hobbies and new activities can go a long way to help with boredom during retirement!

That said, one spouse may feel undervalued, unneeded or neglected if the other spouse finds new hobbies or activities that exclude them.

In this case, feelings of isolation, loneliness, and even resentment may arise in your relationship.

Common Challenges External to Relationships

During the retirement phase of life, there’s another set of relationship problems common in couples. These are problems EXTERNAL to relationships, i.e., issues that aren’t about your or your partner personally but which still have a big impact on your relationship.

These include:

• Unmet expectations with kids and grandkids
• Financial stress
• Caregiver stress
• Illness and death

Unmet expectations with kids and grandkids

Retired couples often envision spending abundant quality time with their adult children and grandchildren. They may dream of frequent visits, shared vacations, and perhaps even helping with childcare.

This expectation is understandable – after years of raising kids to launch into the world, working hard at careers, then planning for an eventual retirement, many retirees look forward to nurturing closer family bonds.

However, the reality can often diverge significantly from these idyllic hopes. Geographic distance, differing schedules, and evolving family dynamics can create unforeseen challenges.

Adult children, juggling careers, raising their own families, and managing their own busy lives, may not always be able to accommodate the level of involvement their parents desire. 

Furthermore, the dynamics of intergenerational relationships can be complex. Adult children may feel pressured to meet expectations, while retired parents might experience disappointment or resentment if their hopes aren’t fully realized.

This can lead to more conflict in your marriage if you and your partner feel the emotional weight of this differently and if you disagree on how to navigate things with your kids and grandkids.

Financial stress

Even the most careful retirement financial planning may not always take into account the costs of living at this stage. Unexpected expenses related to medical bills, unforeseen housing costs and repairs, and large economic shifts can strain retirement budgets.

The financial challenges of retirement can easily increase stress and conflict in your marriage, and dampen the enthusiasm you may have had for this stage of life.

This is especially true if you and your spouse disagree on how to allocate limited resources or if one/both of you has to return to work to keep things afloat.

Caregiver stress

Caregiver stress is another major issue that stresses marriages during retirement (and even before the retirement stage).

If you or your spouse are caring for aging parents and other relatives, conflict and stress are all but inevitable.

This type of caregiving can strain your mental energy, money, and time even if you’re more than happy and honored to take on this role. Solid communication and organization will become more important than ever!

Illness & death

Related to this, it’s expected that you’ll both experience the major illness and/or death of loved ones during this stage of life, leading to feelings or grief, sadness, and a re-evaluation of your own life and health status.

Your marriage may feel especially heavy at these times. 

However, your marriage can also serve as a safe haven and even strengthen your bond if you can count on each other for support.

How Couples Therapy Can Help Retirees

Resolve Long-Standing Conflicts

Years of accumulated stress and unresolved issues can surface more prominently during retirement. Therapy provides a safe and structured space to address these conflicts constructively and develop healthier communication patterns.

Navigate Your New Realities

Retirement often brings significant life changes, such as increased time together, altered financial situations, and potential health concerns.

Therapy can help couples navigate these shifts and adapt to their new normal.

Rekindle SEX & Intimacy

Health issues, medication side effects, and changes in body image can impact sexual desire and function in later life. Therapy can provide a safe space for you and your partner to discuss these concerns openly and explore ways to address any barriers to intimacy.

Therapy can also help you two reconnect on an emotional level by facilitating deeper conversations, encouraging acts of affection, and exploring shared interests and passions.

This emotional connection will help you two work on your physical intimacy or help maintain connection at times when sex isn’t possible.