5 Ways to Maximize Your Time in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is one of the most valuable investments you’ll make for your relationship. Don’t let your investment or time go to waste!

Here are 5 ways to squeeze the most value out of your couples therapy.

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These tips are based on my observations over many years as a licensed couples therapist of the couples who make the fastest progress and get the largest gains from therapy.

1) Find a Therapist You Trust & “Vibe” With

It’s important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who you can trust.  This will make the entire therapy process smoother and help you reach your goals that much faster.

It’s hard to define what qualities go into this kind of fit, but most of us know it when we feel it. I like to ask, “Could you see yourself sitting down with this person for a chat over coffee if they weren’t your therapist?”

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For some people, this is about their therapist’s gender, race/ethnicity, appearance, or social/political leanings.  For others, it’s about personality factors like approachability, friendliness, style of speech, or sense of humor.

Whatever matters most to you is highly subjective and unique.  If you don’t feel a connection or level of comfort with your therapist, don’t be afraid to find someone else. Not every therapist is a good match for every couple.

In fact, lots of research has gone into client-therapist “fit” and has shown that client-therapist fit helps clients make progress in therapy and reduces early termination before one’s goals are reached.

2) Set up a predictable session schedule

An easy but often neglected way to get the most out of couples therapy is to make it a regular appointment.  I usually recommend that couples expect 8-12 sessions before seeing significant progress,

Similar to physical fitness, if you wanted to get into better shape you wouldn’t go to the gym once or twice at random times and expect to feel any changes to your body.  You know you’d have to make it a habit to see meaningful results.

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I’ve noticed that the couples who get the most out of therapy the fastest are those who attend once per week for a given number of weeks, and prioritize their appointments within their schedules.

This means 2-3 months of making sure they have a babysitter, if needed, plan for an extended lunch break or end work early, and spending less money on entertainment or other non-essential expenses temporarily.

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If once per week is too taxing on your schedule, 2-3 times per month can still be plenty.

The point is that you attend sessions regularly and with some consistency so sessions can build off each other and you’re frequently being reminded of the changes you’re both working towards.

3) Set Clear Goals

This one may seem obvious but some couples (and sadly some therapists) don’t do goal-setting upfront when therapy begins.  Which means the overall therapy process can seem aimless and lack direction.

It’s like driving in a completely new city with no GPS or map and merely hoping you wanna get to where you’re going.

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If you’d like to get a head start on this, discuss with your partner what you hope to achieve from couples therapy BEFORE your first session. I recommend no more than 3 goals total.

Examples are:

• We need better ways to resolve our conflicts.
• We want to address our sexual problems and improve our sex life.
• We want more agreement and teamwork in our parenting.
• We want to see if our relationship can be saved or if it’s better we go our separate ways.
• We want to recover from infidelity and rebuild our trust.

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If you work with me, we’ll discuss your goals in the first 1-2 sessions of therapy and make sure you both agree on what you want to get out of therapy.

I’ll also create a session plan for each appointment that takes into account your larger goals, and help you assess your progress towards your goals after a few sessions.

4) Come prepared to sessions

If there are particular concerns you want to discuss in a given session, don’t be shy about letting me know.

I usually have a plan for each session – taking into account your main therapy goals – but it’s totally ok to deviate from the plan if something recently came up that you really want to work through in session. Especially if it’s an issue that is likely to become an argument between you and your partner outside of session.

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Another way to prepare for session is to think about any recent progress or setbacks you’ve had since your last session.

Many couples find it helpful to give updates at the start of each session about their recent interactions to see if they’re heading in a positive direction or backsliding.

5) Do Your Homework

As your couples therapist, I often will assign homework exercises in between your sessions.

Side note: Please know that homework is not a mandatory part of working with me for therapy! Don’t avoid or postpone a session just because you haven’t done the homework.

However, this one factor sets the most successful couples apart from the rest. 

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Based on my observations, couples who make the fastest progress and get the most relationship benefit from therapy are those who make it a point to do the homework assignments.

I’ve even had couples ask for homework if none has been assigned or create their own in between sessions to keep their work going.

Sometimes these will be assessment exercises like questionnaires that dig into the dynamics of your relationship.  Other times, these may be joint exercises in areas like communication, problem-solving, or intimacy.  I also recommend podcast episodes, videos, and books on occasion.

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In conclusion…

By following these tips, you can make the most of your couples therapy sessions and get the most bang for your buck and time.