A major reason why many couples end up in couples therapy is to decide on the direction of their marriage or long-term relationship. Overall, the question becomes:
Do we stay together or call it quits?
If this resonates for you and your partner, understand that this is a big question with potentially life-altering consequences depending on the pathway you chose. Couples therapy is a great way to help make this decision with confidence!
Couples report having a sense of calm and accomplishment once it’s complete because they know that either way, they’ve done everything possible to handle this decision with care.
In my experience, couples who are on the brink of separation or divorce fall into two camps:
High-Conflict Couples
These are couples who have been fighting for a long time, sometimes years. And most, if not all their interactions are negative and highly charged with emotions ranging from mild annoyance to rage.
If they have children, it’s not uncommon for their kids to witness the fights and sometimes even become roped into their fights or triangulated over time.
Disconnected Couples
Then there are couples who no longer fight or have much meaningful interaction at all, even if they have children who still live at home. They can go about most days handling their obligations: work, parenting, “fur baby” parenting, attending events, and general “adulting.” They even show up for family events and holidays together.
But they’re strangers to each other’s inner worlds and lonely within the relationship. I’ve seen couples stuck in this pattern for months, years, or even decades.
Whichever of these camps you find yourself in right now, it’s important to seek professional help if your relationship is on the brink of failure. I’m well-versed and experienced in helping couples wade through the darkest moments of their union and come out on the other side with important insight, skills, and decisions on how to move forward.
CONSIDER THESE BITS OF WISDOM ABOUT DECIDING TO LEAVE OR STAY FROM PAST CLIENTS OF DR. APRIL:
"TBH it seemed way too late for us by the time we made it to couples therapy. But we knew if we didn’t get help divorce was the next stop. We just wanted to keep our family together so the kids didn’t grow up in split homes like we did."
"It felt like we were thawing out from years of putting us on ice. Life got in the way and we forgot to pay attention to each other. This therapy helped us understand that splitting up was actually the easy option. If [other couples] put in the work they might be surprised at what’s possible!"
When you come to me for couples therapy for this hugely consequential decision, there are many topics that we’ll explore and work on.
MAJOR TOPICS COVERED IN THIS KIND OF THERAPY INCLUDE:
- A safe space to discuss how you got here to this critical point in your relationship, without judgement or invalidation
- Relationship AND individual factors that have contributed to the breakdown of your union (e.g., trauma history, attachment styles, etc)
- Specific behaviors for decreasing high-conflict in the short-term and having more positive interactions in the long-term
- Healing past attachment injuries that have broken your bond over time or eroded trust
- Strengthening the emotional connection between you and your partner, and creating a more secure attachment
- Agreement on boundaries around sharing your relationship problems with family and friends
- Decisions and strategies for addressing the impact of your relationship problems on your children (if you have children)
- Decisions about if and how you and your partner will move forward together, or how you will separate amicably if that’s decided upon as the healthiest option
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT COUPLES COUNSELING FOR DECIDING TO DIVORCE OR REMAIN MARRIED
Can couples therapy save my marriage?
I have several years of experience helping couples save their marriage! Even marriages that have been disconnected for decades can benefit from couples therapy.
However, couples therapy cannot guarantee results. What it can do is equip you with new insight, tools, and strategies to address problems and make confident decisions about your future together.
As with most things in life though, consistency is key to getting good results!
Will you tell us if you think we should get divorced?
I will absolutely tell you if separation seems like the healthiest option for your relationship. Especially In cases of physical or emotional abuse, or cases where your interactions have become toxic and destructive and staying together is further damaging to the relationship.
However, I will not recommend divorce. No matter how many letters are behind one's name you should never let anyone - not even a licensed therapist - make this decision for you, or push you in that direction. The power over this decision is yours and yours alone.
With therapy, you'll feel empowered, gain clarity, and a get full picture of the issues so that you can come to this decision on your own if it's ultimately for the best.
How long does couples therapy typically last?
The duration varies depending on the couple's needs and goals. Some couples may see improvements in a few sessions, while others may require longer-term therapy.
I encourage most couples to plan for at least 8-12 sessions of therapy but more severe long-standing problems can take longer to treat.
What if my partner refuses to attend therapy?
You may still attend individual therapy for your relationship issues. Sometimes, individual therapy can inspire a partner to try couples therapy later or to seek their own therapy!
Is couples therapy only for married couples?
No. It can be beneficial for any committed couple facing serious challenges, whether married, engaged, or cohabitating.
Do you do discernment counseling?
Yes. In case you're not familiar with this type of counseling, discernment is for couples with "mixed agendas" meaning one partner is sure that they want to save the relationship while the other is "leaning out" and on the fence about ending things.
Couples like this find themselves in a very difficult position when coming to therapy. If this describes your relationship, it's important to not lose hope! Therapy will involve joint sessions as well as individual sessions to determine how you two got to this point and different paths for your future.
It's amazing what's possible once you start digging into things! Couples can go from calling divorce attorneys to realizing a completely different marriage with one another.