Stop Weaponizing Therapy

What is “weaponizing therapy?”

It’s the idea of a person using their participation in mental health therapy, individual or couples therapy, against another person as a power play.

Photo by Nicola Giordano

This can be done to “win” arguments or appear psychologically superior.

For instance…

Jane Doe goes to individual therapy every week and then comes home and tells her husband something like, “my therapist said I should ignore you when you raise your voice at me.”

There are a couple of problems in this example.

For one, Jane’s husband has no way of knowing if this is indeed what his wife was told in therapy. And it’s common for clients to hear what they’d prefer to hear in therapy (aka, confirmation bias) or to misinterpret a message their therapist gave them.

Also, by saying it this way Jane isn’t taking personal responsibility for what could be a healthy boundary for herself and instead hiding behind the words of her therapist.

Something like “I won’t engage with you when you yell at me” would be more appropriate than “my therapist said I should ignore you when you raise your voice at me.”

Couples therapy can also be weaponized when partners come out of sessions with the idea that one of them “won” that session or was “more right.”

Or by repeating something the therapist said while pointing out an opportunity to change a negative behavior, twisting the words, and then hurling it at their partner as an insult.

Photo by RDNE Stock project

Like, “the therapist was right – you don’t know how to control your temper!” The original message was actually: “John, when you get this angry taking a timeout would be the best choice.”

What if you’re the one weaponizing therapy?

This means you aren’t doing the “real work” of therapy. The real work requires less blame cast on those around you and more personal accountability for your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

If you find yourself weaponizing COUPLES therapy in particular, you’re better off not going at all.

The simple reason for this is that in any relationship, either both people win and get to share a lifetime together, or both people lose and have to part ways and handle the fall-out.

There are no sole winners in a marriage or long-term relationship. What hurts one person hurts the whole team.

So if you weaponize couples therapy it will only backfire and end up hurting you as well when all is said and done.

TL;DR

• Weaponizing therapy happens when someone uses the words said in therapy or the fact that they’re attending therapy against their partner.
• Anyone weaponizing therapy isn’t doing the real work of therapy.
• Weaponizing therapy backfires eventually.

Do you know someone who weaponizes therapy, or their knowledge of psychology? I’m curious to hear your thoughts.