5 Ways Couples Therapy Can Help AFTER You’ve Already Separated

Separation is a heavy decision, often riddled with raw emotions and a strong urge to move forward quickly. But before that final step of divorce, consider couples therapy. Yes, therapy even after you’ve separated.

It might surprise you, but many couples seek therapy even after they’ve separated. On rare occasion, I’ve seen couples come to therapy after they’ve already divorced with the hopes of remarriage.

What if there’s a chance your relationship isn’t beyond repair? Couples therapy after separation can offer a safe space to navigate this complex time and make informed decisions about your future, together or apart.

Here are 5 ways it can help during this time.

#1: By slowing down the rush to divorce if there’s a chance for repair and reunion

Here’s an important question to ask yourself: Did you rush to separate? Maybe things had gotten so bad that even one more day in the same house together, breathing the same air, was just too much to bear.

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This is common. Couples rush to separate for all sorts of reasons. To escape the daily conflict. To put an end to the kids being exposed to conflict. To get the other person’s attention and create a big “wake up call” moment. To get space to figure out what you want. To explore another romantic option. (More on this last point in #2).

Sometimes there’s a rush to separate out of simply not knowing what else to do. It’s a last ditch effort and a way to change something. Anything.

Separation isn’t just about the two of you. It impacts your entire social circle.

If your separation was rushed there’s a big change that you didn’t fully think this part through. For example, how has the separation impacted your kids? And/or your pets? Yes, even dogs and cats are affected by a change in their routine and the absence of a caretaker.

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Also, how has it impacted your family and mutual friends? These are important considerations that you may not have fully thought through if things were rushed.

Couples therapy can help pause and reset things, and relieve confusion and ambivalence about what to do next.

#2: By fostering agreement on behavioral expectations during separation

Being separated doesn’t mean there are no rules. I’ve seen many couples get stuck in new kinds of conflict during separation because they never expressed expectations for what’s ok and not ok during this time period.

Not that you must be in agreement on everything. But if you are more aligned it will help keep things amicable whether you reunite or divorce. And trust me, this is a good thing! Amicable is ideal, whenever possible.

Couples therapy can help you establish clear boundaries around communication, finances, and dating during this time.

This fosters a sense of mutual respect and answers many of the common questions that arise during this time in a marriage.

In therapy, you’ll want to safely discuss contact expectations, as in, will we be talking everyday? Or is infrequent contact best? Perhaps one or both of us need mental space during this separation without the pressure for constant contact.

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Finance expectations are another key area to get clear on. Are you still ok with using your joint accounts during this time and if so, does this need to be cleared with your spouse? Will we differ in how we handle the kids’ or pets’ expenses during this time based on care arrangements? The more you can talk through these things now the less chance for misunderstandings later.

What about dating? Couples therapy can help you work through expectations for dating others. Make no assumptions here! I’ve seen too many cases where spouses disagree on whether this is appropriate or not, or when it’s appropriate if the separation has lasted awhile. It’s better to state your expectation aloud and couples therapy can ensure this doesn’t become yet another argument.

#3: By helping you both take an honest look at what led to the separation and your role in it

Any couples therapy worth your time and money will push you both to look at your individual role in the marriage problems. In this case, we’ll look at your history of problems together and what were the “final straws” that led you to separate.

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Then, we’ll go even further by making sure you’re both clear about your personal parts in the recent problems. This self-reflection allows for personal growth and helps you avoid repeating the same patterns in the future, whether that future is together or in new relationships.

#4: By identifying ways you can use the separation time productively to each work on yourselves, while maintaining connection

Separation can is a very tough and stressful time in a relationship. But it can also be a time of healing and inner work. If you’re already separated, focus less on how much time you’ve been in this space and more on what you’ve done with this time.

The best way to feel confident about your next decisions is to do some inner work so that you’re mentally strong and looking at your relationship from a place of strength and calmness.

Couples therapy can help you both determine the best ways to do this inner work on yourselves and be aware of what work your partner is doing. This may include individual therapy, a new physical challenge, or discovering meditation.

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Moreover, if there’s desire work towards reconciliation couples therapy can help you find ways to maintain connection even while you’re separated. This may mean agreeing on weekly times to check in with each other or occasional dates. It may also mean agreeing to go to certain family functions together.

Couples therapy can also act as a container for you two to save any talk of relationship problems for therapy sessions and use the rest of your time connecting for light chats or fun together.

#5: By preparing you to recommit to the relationship or to part ways amicably

Ultimately, couples therapy after separation equips you to make a conscious and more confident choice about the future of your relationship. If reconciliation is the goal, therapy provides the tools to rebuild trust and create a more solid foundation on which to create a new marriage together.

If divorce is the path chosen, therapy helps navigate the process with structure, respect, and clarity. This minimizes animosity and paves the way for a healthy co-parenting relationship, if you have kids or pets together.

Couples therapy after separation isn’t about forcing a reunion.

It’s about creating a safe space for understanding, growth, and making empowered decisions about your future, together or apart.

Ready to begin your couples therapy journey? Reach out for a free consultation.